ROBUST SELF-CARE: How to Prevent Burnout, Perform at Your Best, Accelerate Your Career and SAVE TIME

Written by Marty Seldman, Ph.D.

 

“For me, protecting time for self-care has been one of the most challenging responsibilities to manage in my leadership journey. I define it as a responsibility because as leaders we are called to serve and through discipline in self-care, I have found myself being more creative, effective, engaged and empathetic, as well as more committed to assuring the same experience for those I serve. “

– Marcella Del Carmen, President, Massachusetts General Physicians Organization,
Executive Vice President, Mass General Brigham

 

“Effective self-care is the foundation of durable, effective leadership.  Unfortunately, I have learned this the hard way.  There were times early in my career, when I was so focused on immediate goals, that I did not create enough “slack” to understand the bigger picture.  I am naturally wired to push myself to the limits and excel in the moment.  Without intentional time spent on building resilience, protecting my health, and effectively promoting myself… I missed key opportunities to advance my career. This obviously had an effect on my happiness, my selfconfidence, and my mental health. Since building robust self-care habits into my life, I have been able to create “room” for creative, strategic planning.  And I have had the awareness, and the energy in my tank, to take advantage of unique opportunities when they arise.  It has been game changer for me personally and professionally.”

– Dan Guill, Chief Executive Officer, Enlivant

 

QUALITIES

 

There are certain qualities that enhance our effectiveness at our jobs and increase the likelihood of getting promoted to a bigger role. While your exact list might differ somewhat from mine I think most of us will agree that the following are helpful:

• an alert, clear mind
• sustaining a high energy level throughout the workday
• being able to focus and concentrate
• tapping into your creativity
• being flexible
• self-management skills to deal with stress, frustration and conflict
• being centered and confident

These qualities not only support problem-solving, decision-making and collaboration, they also strengthen your “executive presence.” You are more likely to be perceived as a leader ready for increased responsibility.

ROBUST SELF-CARE

 

Each of us is much more likely to develop and access the above qualities if we meet the Basic ingredients of self-care (sleep, nutrition, fitness, relaxation/recovery, stress management, maintain relationships). We will discuss and/or touch on all of these but I want to add something to Basic Self-Care to convert it to Robust Self-Care.

 

Gaining the Time for Self-Care

We are going to focus on getting more control of your calendar, taking back some time and then using it to schedule the basics of self-care.

I’m starting with the “low hanging fruit” of optimizing time, and in some cases the “fruit” is so low it’s laying on the ground.

1. Meetings – some pervasive aspects of contemporary organizational life are:
   • meetings are over-scheduled
   • people are over-invited to meetings
   • the people who organize meetings often neglect to provide an agenda, explain the purpose or how to prepare
   • more often than not meetings are poorly facilitated, i.e. lead by someone who doesn’t control the flow, participation and outcomes

Add all of this up and there is close to a 100% probability that this week you wasted time in an unproductive meeting or one that you didn’t “need” to attend. A 2023 survey estimates that on average people are spending 31 hours a month in unproductive meetings.

You can probably gain at least 5 hours a week by:

• not attending a meeting. Ask yourself, “If I was sick today would they still have this meeting? If the answer is “yes”, maybe this is a “nice to attend” vs a “need to attend”
• setting guidelines/expectations about agendas, purpose, preparation, before you agree to attend a meeting
• going to part of a meeting
• sending someone from your team to the meeting
• sending a BOT to the meeting to take notes for you

                             (Thanks for this tip to Michelle Kay, Vice President, Learning, Albertsons) 

2. Saying NO – if you say YES too quickly and too often, if you struggle to say No, you will have more depression and anxiety in your life, And of course not enough time for Self-Care.

“If you don’t have a plan for your time, someone else will” means that friends, family, co-workers, managers, even direct reports, will all come to you with requests for your time.

What’s even more dangerous is that “we train people how to treat us” so if the people around you sense that you have difficulty saying no, you can expect even more “asks” coming your way.

If you need help with the language and skill of saying No, please read about “Soft

No’s” and “Warm Boundaries”. (see A Woman’s Guide to Power, Presence and Protection, chapter 15: Control Your Calendar and Commitments). But however you do it, please master this skill.

3. Eliminate Time Wasters
   • Phone/Computer – most people spend over an hour a day on non-important activities. Many of these involve getting lost or stuck on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, etc. There are phones available which make it easier to bypass these activities.

• People – most of us have people in our lives who waste our time, drain our energy, and divert our focus. If you are reading this you probably are working flat out. You DON’T HAVE THE LUXURY of spending unnecessary time with these people.

• Your Own Thoughts –

“Nothing can harm you as much as your own thoughts unguarded”– Buddha Focusing time on regrets, old resentments, or self-recriminations can hurt us even more than the time we squander.

“Everything we say ‘yes’ to we say ‘no’ to something else.” This time and focus could be directed towards supportive, enhancing activities. Yes, easier said than done. You might legitimately feel that you don’t have control because these thoughts just pop up in your head. They absolutely do, even in the brains of mind control experts.

But the human species does have the capacity to learn to control what we focus on and what we say to ourselves. (see Executive Stamina, chapter 9: Stress Management: Your Individual Plan to learn about Self-Talk skills; see “Calm Self-Critique” at www.martyseldman.com).

While we can’t eliminate all of these unwelcome thoughts we can all improve in 3 areas:

Frequency, Duration, Intensity.

• Frequency – reviving some past resentments twice this week instead of 5 times is Improvement.
• Duration – catching yourself “beating yourself up” about a mistake after 10 minutes instead of 30 minutes is progress.
• Intensity – feeling mild feelings of frustration, stress or fear versus having a “meltdown,” “blow up”, or panic attack is valuable from a time, health and reputation perspective.

4. Getting Others to do Tasks – pay someone, delegate, or use chatGPT to offload tasks.

I’m going to make a suggestion/request. Please, in this upcoming week, let go of at least one thing that is not productive; i.e. free up at least some time for more self-care. Take your pick: Meetings, Saying NO, a Time Waster (phones, people, thoughts), getting others to do tasks.

 

COMBINING

 

Research on the impact/effectiveness of MULTI-TASKING has revealed it’s not an efficient practice. Often it leads to not doing the tasks that well, and it is not viewed favorably by people we are interacting with (especially if one of the tasks involves listening or paying attention).

Combining, on the other hand, is pure upside, especially for super-busy people. This is the practice of COMBINING two or more tasks and/or accomplishing two or more goals with ONE activity.

For example, you job requires you to read, watch videos, make phone calls, attend meetings. You have to do those things but they can often be done while riding a stationary bike (especially a peloton), or walking (outside or on a treadmill). Get the idea? I just eliminated some of the “too busy”, “don’t have time” excuses because you were going to engage in these activities anyway.

Here is a list of common ways to COMBINE:

• walking meetings or phone calls
• reading/watching videos while riding a stationary bike
• virtual meetings riding a peloton
• walking slowly on a treadmill while working in your office
• walking, biking swimming etc. with a friend, child, romantic partner (relationship goals plus fitness goals)
• combining fitness with networking goals
• do something good for your body while watching your favorite TV show
• bring resistance bands with you when traveling and workout in your hotel room watching TV (as good as a gym workout)
• combine fitness with altruistic goals (Habitat for Humanity, cleaning up a beach, etc.)
• combine fitness with commuting to and from work

 

BASIC BREAKS

 

Just as multi-tasking does not increase our effectiveness, trying to squeeze too much into our day, without taking breaks, can undermine us. Let’s look at what happens when you schedule back to back meetings or calls.

1. Your Brain Works Against You – If you rush from one meeting to another it’s almost inevitable that you will not have closure about certain discussion points. At this point, the Zeigarnik Effect kicks in. This refers to our brain’s tendency to continue to process unresolved issues. So parts of your brain are stuck in previous meetings, hurting your ability to be fully present and adding to your stress.

2. Career Optics – If you are scattered, distracted or stressed you may be perceived as being overwhelmed or struggling to keep up. This is not the look of someone who is ready for more responsibility.

Recommended Breaks

Every organization that has studied breaks, including the U.S. Army, has found they make us more productive. So here are some suggestions for 5-minute breaks you can integrate into your work day.

1. Slow, focused breathing – there are many types of breathing and meditation techniques that will help you feel calm and clear. Recent research supports that focusing on long, slow exhalations has the most immediate positive impact on our nervous system. This is why I favor a method called, “The Frozen Rope.” (see Executive Stamina, chapter 9: Leverage Your Network, and A Woman’s Guide to Power, Presence and Protection, chapter 12: Enhance Your Executive Presence and Impact). Acquiring these skills has many self-care/career benefits including:
   • managing stress
   • clearing your mind
   • sharpening your concentration “muscle”
   • thickening your neo cortex (supports problem-solving, decision-making and overall brain health/longevity)
   • allows you to stay “in the present” more. “The body is always present.”

2. Gratitude –now that neuroscientists can study and map the brain, they discovered that the saying, “too blessed to be stressed” is an accurate description of how gratitude affects our brain. Focusing on what we are grateful for reduces our stress and lights up our happiness center. The challenge for most of us is that other researchers describe the brain as “Velcro for negatives, Teflon for positives.” In other words, moment to moment during the day, we are more likely to think about problems, challenges or things we DON’T have. So gratitude needs to be purposeful and planned for it to be part of our daily routine. Integrating gratitude breaks increases the chances that you will react to events at work as

“inconveniences, setbacks, or disappointments” not “CATASTROPHIES.”

3. Stretching – sitting in chairs for lengthy periods is not good for our bodies, You can quickly generate pleasurable feelings and boost your energy by stretching regularly throughout the day. (see Executive Stamina, chapter 10: Yoga at the Office). There are many options including stretches at your desk or using yoga balls.

4. Moving – “Movement is Medicine” is good science. Health researchers recommend moving every hour as being sedentary too long hurts us even if we find other times for fitness activities.

5. Fresh Air/Nature – the windows in most office buildings cannot be opened. So by about 2pm most afternoons you are breathing large quantities of carbon dioxide.

Not a great prescription for mental alertness and acuity. So get a fresh air break; even better garner the healing impact of being in nature, if that option is available.

I can’t conclude any discussion about breaks without relaying a story told to me by my friend Sandy Smith.

It seems that a small rural town in his home state of Tennessee held a log-sawing contest every year. As far back as anyone could remember, the same farmer won every year. But now he was in his early 60’s and faced a formidable challenger: a 22-year-old, muscular 200-pound young man. During the morning as you might expect, the young challenger charged ahead. In fact, the farmer seemed to falter and took a break behind the barn every hour.

Amazingly, as the day unfolded, the farmer caught up, took the lead, and went on to win again. The young man was visibly distraught and confused and said to the farmer, “How could an old man like you beat me, and what the hell were you doing behind the barn?” The farmer replied, “ I was sharpening my saw.”

Your brain and your body are your “saw.” Keep them “sharp” during the day.

 

 

INDIVIDUAL HIGH PAYOFF ACTIVITIES

In addition to these behaviors that help all of us, everyone has activities that really make them feel good and/or rejuvenated. The challenge is that often this valuable time gets squeezed or left off the calendar when we get too busy.

Here are some examples (think about which ones work for you):

• relaxing music/sounds
• connecting/laughing with friends
• massage
• spa activities (hot bath, sauna, steam room)
• a “forest” bath
• dancing
• singing/playing music/artistic endeavors
• yoga/pilates
• gardening
• spiritual practice, reflection
• touch/sex
• running/sports

I won’t try to compile a complete list because we are individuals with different histories, and cultures. What I do suggest is that you find something you love and put it on the calendar.

Earlier I asked you what one thing are you going to let go of this week. Now I’m asking, “What is the best thing you could do for yourself next week? What is the biggest gift you could give yourself?”

RELATIONSHIP MINIMUMS

 

You may have heard the expression, “It’s easier to get a new job than a new family.” While I concede there definitely are situations that call for that kind of choice, this whole article is designed to avoid those trade-offs.

What I think is useful about this saying is the reminder that relationships are important AND need to be maintained. It is easy and very common to get so busy that you unintentionally put relationships “on automatic” and take them for granted. The Relationship Minimum system is designed to prevent that mistake.

Everyone differs in their need for affiliation and relationships. Equally it’s a rare individual that doesn’t have friends, family, a romantic partner, or a child who is important to them. There is a minimum amount of time and communication with someone needed to maintain the connection. If you go below this minimum for extended periods you are putting the relationship at risk. You don’t want to do that. You wouldn’t intentionally do that. But it still can and does happen.

What is the fix?

1. Decide on relationship minimums for all the important people in your life. (Remember, a minimum is really a minimum; not all the time you might want to have with this person).

2. Schedule these minimums on your calendar. (Remember, you are going to be saying No to some things so that you can say Yes to these connections). Also, review the section on COMBINING; many of those activities can be combined with relationship minimums. Sometimes people say to me, “Why do I have to schedule a date or intimacy with a romantic partner?” Or “Why do I have to schedule time alone with my kids?” My reply is if it’s happening already you don’t, but if you are below your minimum you need to block out that time.

 

CAREER MINIMUMS

 

Let me first acknowledge that this section goes beyond self-care. The reason I’m including it is that so many of you devote a big part of your life to your career. My experience from coaching 2,000 leaders has taught me that people can get so busy that they neglect actions that would greatly increase their chances of moving up in an organization. The ideas from the previous section apply here too: minimums and scheduling.

Here are my candidates for “career minimums,” high payoff activities that often don’t get calendared and then don’t happen.

1. Reflection – this is time to process, learn and access your intuition. Unfortunately too few leaders block out time for this.

2. Strategic Thinking – normally one of the highest, best uses of a leader’s time. (see A

Woman’s Guide to Power, Presence and Protection, chapter 10: Increase Your Value to

the Organization). Are you setting up enough uninterrupted time and space to focus on strategy?

3. Creativity and Innovation – an excellent activity to be combined with walking. Frederick Nietzsche (not the most upbeat historical figure) once remarked, “All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking.”

4. Networking – “The day you need a network, it’s too late to build it.” (see A Woman’s Guide to Power, Presence and Protection, chapter 9: Leverage Your Network). Networks are a powerful force for promoting your ideas and getting promoted.

5. Effective Self-Promotion – while we don’t want to brag and do want to be team players, not doing a minimum of putting your “handprint” on your ideas and contributions leaves you vulnerable to being underestimated. There is an additional risk, someone may notice that you don’t socialize your ideas and see an opportunity to take credit for them. (see A Woman’s Guide to Power, Presence and Protection, chapter 11: Promote Yourself With Decent Boldness).

A SELF-CARE PARTNER

 

My hope is that you will embrace a few of the suggestions for taking back your time and strengthening your self-care. Once you create your “Self-Care” Action Plan you can stack the odds in favor of implementing it by finding an “Accountability” partner. A friend or colleague who cares about you, and preferably isn’t shy about delivering “tough love.” A bonus would be if they did some of these activities with you.

SELF-CARE ASSESSMENT

 

It can be illuminating and motivating to obtain an accurate snapshot of your current level of selfcare. I designed an online, 15-minute confidential assessment that does just that. After you complete it you receive a report with suggestions on how to raise your scores. If you complete it honestly your risks will stand out in neon, and you will know how to protect yourself going forward.

Contact merry@optimumassociates.com for more information re: Resilience Self-Assessment.

 

SLEEP, NUTRITION, LONGEVITY

 

I have not provided any information about two self-care basics: sleep and nutrition. The reason is there is ample guidance provided by experts in these areas. In the reference section you will find

3 books by longevity experts with valuable information about sleep, nutrition, fitness, supplements, etc.

 

 

REFERENCES

Books:

 

Bauer, M., Santilli, P., Seldman, M., and Thomas-Williams, J. (2022).

A Woman’s Guide to Power, Presence and Protection. Pembroke Pines, FL: Optimum Press. 

Seldman, J. and Seldman, M. (2008). Executive Stamina: How to Optimize Time, Energy, and Productivity to Achieve Peak Performance. Hoboken, New Jersey: John Wiley and Sons.

Hyman, Mark (2023). Young Forever. New York, New York: Little, Brown Spark.

Attia, P. and Gifford, B. (2023). Outlive. New York, New York: Random House.

Linneman, P., Ratner, A., and Roizen, M. (2022). The Great Age Reboot. National Geographic.

 

Articles at www.martyseldman.com

 

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