If You Want to Boost Your Health and Happiness Learn HOW TO DROP A BURNING COAL

You might be thinking, “Why do I need to learn how to drop something harmful when my reflexes automatically protect me?” Absolutely true for physical hot coals. But what about the mental form? This version can be even more damaging to our mental and physical health and we have no reflex that automatically discards them. In fact, often we can actually cling to them and stay stuck.

Examples of mental “hot coals”:

• Comparing yourself unfavorably to others
• Worry
• Anger
• Harsh self-criticism
• Ruminating about past rejections, betrayals, mistakes, perceived failures, embarrassments

The longer they occupy our consciousness, the more time wasted, energy drained, focus diverted and even immune system weakened. I’m going to describe the mental control skills that equip you to quickly recognize, evaluate, and discard mental burning coals. First I want to set realistic expectations of what these skills can deliver.

As far as we know we are the only species in this vast universe (47 trillion light years in every direction) with the ability to direct what we focus on and choose what we say to ourselves. Granted, most of us don’t fully develop that capacity. There are people who have mastered mediation and mindfulness (Thich Nhat Hanh), prayer (Thomas Merton), or Self-Talk (Albert Ellis, Wayne Dyer). Even these mind control masters never ELIMINATED these “hot coals” entering their consciousness. The difference between them and most of us is that they developed the awareness and focus to quickly drop harmful, unnecessary thoughts and images. Rather than expect that unhelpful thoughts will never pop up, if you acquire certain skills you can measure progress in these ways:

• Frequency: If this month I think about past betrayals 2 times instead of 8 times, that is a significant improvement.
• Duration: When dwelling on my past mistakes and regrets (I’m 81 years old so that is a lengthy list), I catch myself, and shift my focus after 10 minutes. If normally I would get stuck there for an hour, I just saved myself 50 minutes of self-flagellation.
• Intensity: If I experience mild anxiety about a future event instead of a panic attack, I maintain a sense of control. Major improvement.

Before we learn the core mindset and skill sets, I want to review the most common mental hot coals. Please note the patterns that are most likely to intrude on your thoughts.

Mental Burning Coals

Rick Hanson is fond of saying , “Our brains are teflon for positives but velcro for negatives.” This is profound, practical wisdom, Not only do our brains drift towards negative thoughts, frustrations, and problems, without any intervention they can get stuck there. Our brains are capable of processing 450-600 words per minute but most people don’t think about what they think about. Think about that?!

Here are the most common “brain drains”:

1. Negatively Comparing Yourself to Others. If you compare yourself to others and are inspired by or learn from their achievements that’s great. Otherwise, this is the top joy killer on the planet. Your brain is now focused on what you don’t have or how someone is better than you. This is the opposite of gratitude. This is the dark side of competitiveness. If you are overly competitive think of the messages you are sending to yourself: “I’m valuable if I perform at my best. I’m valuable unless someone is better than me (smarter, richer, more attractive, more accomplished).” This is conditional love for yourself.
2. Worry/Anxiety. If worry alerts you to danger, and you shift to planning and protection that’s excellent. If you stay there you are practicing “dread rehearsal.” Mark Twain said, “My life has been a series of horrible misfortunes. Most of which never happened.”
3. Anger can spark you to defend yourself against mistreatment, or reveal your deepest values. If you go from “stewing to doing” it’s helping you. Remaining angry is the potential problem. It has such a strong wear and tear impact on our nervous system, that at some point we are only punishing ourselves, not the offending person. In addition, it is quite common to say or do things you will regret when angry.
4. Harsh Self-Criticism. Are you your own worst critic? Labeling yourself, and calling yourself names, just inflicts pain, and is not a path to progress.
5. Ruminating about the past. We have all experienced rejection and betrayal. We have made mistakes of omission and commission, and haven’t always lived up to our stated values. You paid for these “lessons.” Extract the learnings. Use this knowledge to do better, make amends if warranted or even better, help someone else through sharing your insights.

As a reminder, I keep a sign in my office, “You can’t change the past, but you can dwell on it until you are old and alone.”

Self-Mastery Skills

1. Slow, focused breathing meditation. A previous article describes the practice, and array of benefits of concentrating and stilling the mind. (The $1 Trillion Pill). It is a multipurpose tool for minimizing harmful thoughts.

• Self-Acceptance. It is much easier to practice Calm Self-Critique (Calm Self-Critique) or other forms of self-compassion when you are centered and tranquil.
• Absorption. This practice strengthens your concentration “muscle” so that you can stay focused on the task at hand.
• Awareness. When your mind is clear and still you are keenly aware of what enters your consciousness. Unhelpful thoughts and images stick out in neon.
• Direct Your Focus. In this type of meditation you are regularly redirecting your focus, This ability carries over to the rest of your life so that you can more easily shift your focus to more helpful or positive thoughts.

2. Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present. Since many “hot coals” emerge from focusing on the past or future, just being present avoids many of them. A very useful Zen saying points towards a way to be more mindful: “The body is always present”

3. Gratitude. “Too blessed to be stressed.” Neuroscientists have validated this reality. Gratitude lights up the happiness center in our brain, That is why gratitude obliterates every mental hot coal that I’m aware of. There are many ways to be grateful and a personalized approach that works for you is what you should aim for. You will have it forever. Here are two themes that I use to start each day.

• 1/∞ One divided by infinity. Expressed as a probability of something occurring, this is as close to zero as possible, almost impossible. Yet those are about the odds that I’m alive to write this and you are alive to read it. We needed the creation of the universe, our solar system and sun, the formation of the earth, its trajectory, and its atmosphere which made it possible for life to emerge; billions of years of evolution, and all our ancestors surviving long enough to get their DNA into the next generation. Miracle on top of miracle for us to be born a human being. I keep a 1/∞ sign on my desk to remind me of the gift I received.
• My Great-Grandparents. They lived and died in Romania, Poland, Russia, and Austria, They never met but they shared one experience: the same sacrifice. Each of them sent one of their children to the United States. This was a child who could have cared for them in their later years. This was a child that they knew they would likely never see again, but they wanted them to have a better life. Those 4 children were my grandparents who met in New York. So every morning I thank my great-grandparents for their sacrifice. I also feel that any positive impact I have is an extension of their legacy.

4. Look Through the Lens of Learning. This is truly a magical lens that can transform many of life’s experiences into something positive or useful. So yes, reflect on rejections, betrayals, mistakes, ways you didn’t live up to your standards/values, etc. Reflect on them long enough to learn:

            How could I have prevented that? Protected myself?

            What am I going to do differently?

            What skills do I need to acquire?

            What behaviors am I going to change?

            How can I make amends?

            Who else could benefit from what I’ve learned?

For me, this is the ultimate closure; when I can transform my bad judgment or pain into knowledge that benefits others.

5. Self-Talk. Here are a variety of phrases that address many of the most common mental “hot coals.”

• No one can dictate how I’m going to feel today.
• I’ve reflected on this experience. I’ve learned what I need to learn. Thinking about it anymore is a waste of time.
• This is a normal reaction but it’s not helpful.
• Am I planning or am I worrying?
• Am I stewing or am I doing?
•  Is this a catastrophe or merely an inconvenience, setback or disappointment?
• He already hurt me. I’m not going to let him hurt me further by dwelling too long on what happened.
• My time, energy and focus are precious to me.
• Everything I say Yes to I say No to something else. That reality also applies to my thoughts.
• I refuse to call myself names and beat myself up. I will put my focus and energy towards learning and improving.

6. Alternatives to Over-Competitiveness. Many people credit their achievements to their competitive drive. However, you can reach a point of diminishing returns beyond which it impacts your equanimity, relationships, and even self-care. There are some positive alternatives that will still allow you to stay on a path of accomplishments and reaching your potential.

• Focus on mastery, continuous learning and improvement, the intrinsic joy of an activity, the sense of meaning from helping someone else.
• Cut down on comparing yourself to others.
• When you do observe someone who has attributes you don’t have, focus on learning from them, admiring them, and you will know you are in a good place when you can just be happy for them.

Conclusion

You have been reading about mental habits. I hope I have motivated you to toss some and take up others. The key to acquiring new habits is to practice. Fortunately we are not trying to improve your golf game or skiing prowess. Those are activities, that if we are busy, are sometimes hard to practice.

Every week you will get dozens of opportunities to notice, evaluate, and redirect your thoughts. You will improve any skill that you practice that often. Progress not perfection.

Reflection Questions

1. What is your most common hot coal?
2. Which self-mastery skill are you going to deploy to minimize its negative impact on you?