Healthy Selfishness
While you may have heard more references to “healthy selfishness” lately, we can trace its origins to Erich Fromm’s 1939 essay, “Selfishness and Self Love.” He explained how cultural taboos about selfishness could have some unintended negative consequences for individuals.
Abraham Maslow built off of Fromm’s essay and focused on the importance of distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy selfishness. More recently, Scott Barry Kaufman constructed a Healthy Selfishness Scale and self-assessment. His research revealed that high scores were associated with high self-worth, and well-being, and low incidence of depression.
Healthy Selfishness is a mindset and a skill set, It starts with a healthy respect for your time, energy, needs and priorities. It embraces the idea that if we want to “show up” as leaders, colleagues, parents, and in relationships, we need to do a certain amount of self-care.
The Healthy Selfishness skill-set includes:
- saying NO to some requests and demands from others
- setting and maintaining boundaries
- self-care routines
- not letting others waste your time and energy
- advocating for your needs
- creating enough time and space to rest and recover
- setting yourself up for success
These concepts and skills are featured in two of my seminars, Organizational Savvy, and Resilience. So I am going to share a case study from those programs that we use to drive this discussion. I changed the names and the industry but otherwise this case study describes the actual events that led to one of my coaching engagements. In life it is a lot less costly to learn from other people’s mistakes, so let’s see what we can glean about Healthy Selfishness from Deborah’s journey. After the case study I will share what I consider the key learnings but as you read it please note any aspects that you relate to.
As with all of my articles my goals are to:
- raise your self-awareness
- motivate you to acquire skills
- provide simple, practical tips
Deborah S. was raised in the US Midwest, the youngest of 4 siblings (3 older brothers). Her family emphasized a strong work ethic, self-reliance and “making do” with the resources they had. Her female role models in the family all seemed to put other people’s needs ahead of their own. As far back as she could remember, Deborah had a deep interest in and fascination with television. After graduating from university, she moved to New York City and joined the FunTime Network, which is composed of 3 cable channels that offer a variety of children’s programs.
She is now 39 years old, married with 11-year-old twin girls who are entering middle school. Her parents are now in their late 70’s and while living in their home, have some health issues that need monitoring. Her brothers have said they would provide financial support if necessary but clearly expect that Deborah will be the guardian of the health care decisions.
After 10 successful years at FunTime’s channel that targeted the pre-adolescent audience, Deborah has been promoted to be the president of the FunTime Junior channel (4-6 year-old audience).
In her first 60 days in the new role, the following events occurred:
- The CEO of FunTime took her to lunch and discussed the FunTime Junior team. He mentioned that the head of programming is a marginal performer. Although he said he would understand it if Deborah wanted to replace him, he was hoping she might be able to salvage him. She said she would try.
- The head of operations approached Deborah about co-chairing the company’s new “Green Initiative” task force. He said it was an important priority for the company to look at practices that promoted a sustainable environment and healthier buildings for FunTime employees. She agrees to co-chair the task force.
- The woman who provides child care for Deborah and her husband was in an automobile accident and her recovery time is expected to be 6 weeks. Deborah did not have a back-up and she and her husband are splitting time doing work at home after their daughters get home from school.
- Given her new responsibilities and the child care challenges, Deborah has decided to take a two-month break from her twice weekly Pilates class.
- For leaders at Deborah’s level, FunTime uses a new leader assimilation program called the First 90 days. After 60 days in the role, human resources conducts a series of interviews at all levels of the organization to gather perspectives about Deborah’s leadership. The interviews revealed the following feedback:
– Her senior team voiced frustrations at not always being able to obtain her guidance or have her make timely decisions.
– Several people mentioned that Deborah often joked or made side comments about how busy she was.
– At a recent meeting of the FunTime Network senior team she arrived late and the materials she used in her presentation were not effectively organized.
This feedback was given to Deborah as well as the CEO. His initial reaction was, “I wonder if she is “in over her head”?”.
Case Study Analysis: Key Learnings
- Deborah’s Upbringing
- While there are many positives about her work ethic, self-reliance and willingness to “make do”, we can also see these very traits contributed to some costly decisions in the new role.
- Deborah’s female role models put other people’s needs over their own. It sure looks like her brothers incorporated that idea in their gender expectations. The result is Deborah joins the overwhelming majority of women with male siblings who are relied on to do the bulk of elder care.
5 Decisions that put Deborah’s Career Progress at Risk
Deborah is a first-time president, and working for the first time on this channel; expanded role; new team, audience, stakeholders, etc. In hindsight it would have served her well to have a “healthy selfishness” mindset, i.e. “I’m going to protect my time and energy until I determine the range of challenges I’ll be facing.”
Let’s look at the cumulative effect of 5 decisions.
- “Making do” with a marginal performer –
I grew up in Brooklyn in the 40’s and 50’s. Often in my family and neighborhood I would hear someone say, “I need this like I need a hole in my head.” This is what I would say to Deborah, “You need this like you need a hole in your head!” “No! Stop! Don’t be a “heroine” or the ultimate “team player.” I’ve worked with many CEO’s and I wouldn’t say the best are always the smartest. However the most successful share a trait; they are relentless about getting the best talent available. Deborah doesn’t need to “make do” or “carry on her back” a marginalized performer in such a key role. The other huge risk in retaining him is that it’s possible he wanted and/or expected to be promoted to President. If that’s the case he may devote his efforts to undermining her (see articles Handling Sabotage, Sharpening Your BS Detector on www.OptimumAssociates.com).
- Saying Yes to a Non-Promotable Task –
There are many assignments, projects and roles, that are incrementally positive for an organization or the community at large. A large percentage of them, even if you perform admirably, are very unlikely to increase your chances of getting promoted. Linda Babcock and her team did research on non-promotable tasks and found that both male and female leaders were 50% more likely to ask a woman to volunteer for these types of roles. They also showed that women were more likely to say “Yes.” Of course it’s hard to argue against the value of a “Green Initiative.” I’m all for it, if Deborah knows for sure that she has the capacity to “co-chair” the task force and get off to a strong start in her new role. Until she is certain, I think it’s smarter to agree to be an advisor, or recommend someone on her team to represent FunTime Jr on the task force.
- “No, Not Your Pilates Class” –
When someone tells me, “I’m too busy to exercise,” I reply, “If you are that busy then you have to exercise.” Pilates class is going to give Deborah the time for herself; the strength, energy and stress management that she needs to be successful. I know a lot of you are with me when I say this is the last thing she should take a break from.
- Elder Care is for Male Siblings too –
Of course the irony here is that Deborah probably has a more demanding role than her brothers. Remember on page 1 you read that “advocating for your needs” is a key part of “healthy selfishness.”
- Securing Back-Up Support –
It would have been helpful for Deborah to shed some of her midwestern humility and really see the scope and importance of being the President of the channel. A lot of people are betting on her and depending on her. Without getting too full of herself, she still could recognize that in turn she needs to depend on and be able to count on others. A back-up for childcare is not a luxury. It is necessary for a new president with twin 11-year-old girls and a romantic partner who works.
Reflection Questions
- Are there any mental shifts that you want to make towards a “healthy selfishness” mindset?
- Are there any skills that you read about in the Healthy Selfishness skillset (page 1) or the Case Study that you want to improve on?
As Erich Fromm, Abraham Maslow and Scott Barry Kaufman have shown not only can “healthy selfishness” support altruistic goals, the more generous our intentions the more we need at least a modicum of “healthy selfishness.”
Resources
Books:
Bauer, M., Santilli, P., Seldman, M., and Thomas-Williams, J. (2022).
A Woman’s Guide to Power, Presence and Protection. Pembroke Pines, FL: Optimum Press.
Babcock, Linda. (2022). The No Club: Putting a Stop to Women’s Dead-End Work. New York, New York. Simon & Schuster.
Articles:
Lessons in Organizational Savvy: Handling Sabotage: https://optimumassociates.com/lessons-in-organizational-savvy-handling-sabotage/
Sharpening Your BS Dectector: https://optimumassociates.com/sharpening-your-bs-detector/
Robust Self-Care: https://optimumassociates.com/robust-self-care-how-to-prevent-burnout-perform-at-your-best-accelerate-your-career-and-save-time/
How to Avoid 8 Serious Career Risks (by Managing Stress): https://optimumassociates.com/how-to-avoid-8-serious-career-risks-by-managing-stress/
The Minimums System: Preserving What’s Precious: https://optimumassociates.com/the-minimums-system-preserving-whats-precious/
Healthy Selfishness and Pathological Altruism, by Scott Kaufman S. and Emanuel Jauk:https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01006/full?ref=exo-insight