Deciding Whether to Forgive and Forget? Rebuild Trust? Resize the Relationship?
Written by Marty Seldman, Ph.D.
Accurately predicting someone’s future behavior will help you make better choices
In 1789, a year before he died, Benjamin Franklin wrote… “in this world nothing is certain but DEATH and TAXES”.
I’m not sure his wisdom still holds for 2023 as currently there are many people making devoted efforts to avoid both of those events. So I would like to offer my selection for what is a certainty in life:
- Someone in your network of family, friends, colleagues or romantic partners will disappoint, disrespect, hurt or deceive you.
- The existing relationship, the severity of what they did or didn’t do, and your unique circumstances and values will determine your decision about what comes now, but in any case these are tough decisions.
Do you forgive and forget? Do you give them a chance to repair the relationship and rebuild trust? Do you “resize” the relationship with more boundaries, less openness, fewer contacts? Do you just move on? There are some very important considerations in these choices.
- The fine line between forgiveness, acceptance, giving second chances versus rationalizing, excusing, normalizing and tolerating.
While having the capacity to forgive, accept imperfection and believe in redemption is admirable, if we bestow those gifts on someone who won’t learn and change we may establish some undesirable patterns. “We train other people how to treat us” is probably the most practical wisdom I’ve encountered. This is a warning that if we are not careful we could be inviting more disappointment, etc. into our lives.
- “Toxic behavior”
Much has been written on “toxic” people and while we probably shouldn’t rush to apply that label too quickly we also would be wise to not ignore patterns of behavior. First of all, “toxic” really does mean “toxic.” The actions of certain people will directly impact your stress, your sleep and often your physical and mental health. Factors that should influence what’s next with this person is “do they really care about me and my well-being”? “Will they change”? Wouldn’t that be nice to know?
Unique Circumstances
There can be no exact formula for making these decisions because each of us is truly unique. However there are some reliable ways of predicting whether someone will change their behavior, or repeat their patterns, and even discerning how much they really care about us.
Types of Apologies
Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., in 2017, devoted an entire book to the variety and impact of apologies: “Why Won’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts”. This is a highly recommended deep-dive into the plusses and minuses of the different ways people attempt to say, “I’m sorry”.
What I want to focus on here are a few patterns that I have found useful in predicting whether an apology will really be followed by learning and change.
- The “Impatient” Apology
Someone who apologizes in this way verbally and non-verbally conveys that they are ready to move on. They assume that saying “I’m sorry” has magical qualities that should resolve a situation. Almost like “Hey, I said I’m sorry, why do we have to keep talking about what happened?” This is not a good sign. What’s happening is that the person “apologizing” actually wants to stop feeling uncomfortable and/or wants to avoid consequences. In other words, more focused on them than on you, and not that curious about what they actually did wrong and how it impacted you.
- “It Wasn’t My Intention”
If I hear this attempt at an apology, my self-talk is, “Wow, that’s a relief because if I thought you INTENDED to hurt me I wouldn’t even be talking to you.” Many people use this language and actually think it eliminates the need for them to apologize or make amends. But if someone uses this phrase, and then demonstrates an interest in understanding the effect of their behavior, that’s acceptable to me and I’m more inclined to listen further. These people are aware of the difference between intention and impact. If they end with “not my intention” the chances of them having healthy remorse that could lead to positive change is small.
- No Apology
When someone refuses to apologize, especially if this is a pattern, our self-protective antennae should be activated. What can we infer about the person who won’t apologize or even admit they were wrong?
Protection vs. Correction
A “correction” individual knows they have “blind spots” and that they make mistakes and even have occasional lapses in living their values. But they want feedback (correction) and they want to learn and become a better person.
A “protection” person wants to preserve their image. Feedback is unwelcome and bounces off them. They are extremely skillful at rationalizing, justifying and excusing their behavior. So at minimum we know they are very unlikely to change and even more don’t really care about the impact of their behavior on you (especially if there are no consequences).
But the threat from these people is actually much higher. The reason is that they rarely stop at not just apologizing. Often their next steps are towards making you wrong. This can take the form of:
- Rewriting history (“That didn’t happen”)
- Accusing you of doing what they did (projection)
- Attributing the entire incident to your being “too sensitive”, “overreacting”, “emotional”, “paranoid”, “too insecure”, “having a chip on your shoulder”.
So the non-apologizer not only won’t improve, but they could try to undermine your self-worth, confidence or even sense of reality.
- A Real Apology
Harriet Lerner describes 9 aspects of a sincere, effective apology but I will highlight just four of them.
- Being Accountable – Accepting Responsibility for my Actions –
I personally don’t mind if the person throws in, “I didn’t intend” or even an excuse (“my kid was sick and I only slept one-hour last night”), as long as they sincerely take responsibility for their mistake.
- Listening, Curiosity and Empathy –
They really want to learn about what they did and to understand the impact on you, There is empathy for how you are feeling, and a desire to gain insight into how you want to be treated.
- A Specific Plan to Learn, Improve, or Change –
Going forward, they have a concrete, visible plan to treat you differently and to grow personally.
- Amends/”Repairs”-
If the situation calls for it, they are willing to make amends for the difficulties they caused you.
I have a personal example of the power of a sincere apology. From my mid-teens until my mid-twenties, I had a rough relationship with my mother. Much later in her life, through reflection and reading, she came to understand some of the mistakes she made as a parent. I remember one day, sitting at the kitchen table, when she looked me in the eyes, while crying, and she sincerely apologized for her actions. It was very powerful. As a parent myself, who has made many mistakes, I could feel her pain and regret. Her apology seemed to wipe out, not the memories, but most of the pain from those years. My mom lived to be 90 and she died in 2010. Now when I think of her, I only think of her love, and I’m grateful she was my mother.
One additional reason a sincere apology is so helpful to the recipient is that it provides VALIDATION.
VALIDATION conveys, “No, you are not crazy”, “Yes, this really did happen”.
Further Suggestions
- If someone gives you an “Impatient Apology” or an, “It wasn’t my intention”, I probably wouldn’t give up on them. I might try to give them feedback about how their “apology,” or explain what type of apology would be more encouraging. (I’m not going to bet on improvement but you might think it’s worth a shot).
- While this article suggests you focus on the behavior of others, you could also use these concepts to improve your own willingness to be accountable and effective at apologizing.
- Over the years, some of you have gotten feedback that you apologize too much (see Deborah Tannen’s work on gender communication). If that is the case, I would really focus on the issue of Accountability. It doesn’t help anyone if you over-apologize for things that are not your fault or not your responsibility. Talk issues through with a trusted friend and you will cut down on unnecessary apologies.
Finally, I hope the incidents in your life requiring apologies are few and far between.