Written by Marty Seldman, Ph.D.

Ten years ago when I was in my late 60’s, I suffered way too long in a personal/professional relationship. Not only did I miss glaring signals, I ignored actual warnings. I expected too little and I tolerated too much.

Finally, when I could feel that my health was at risk I acted to protect myself. For me the best way to heal, and if necessary, to atone for my mistakes, is to not only learn from them but to codify the learning. Then two pathways become available:

1. Apply the lessons in my own life – my mother Zelda often remarked, “Marty, if you live long enough…” She was right. I’ve lived another 10 years and not only have I made better decisions about people, I have a kind of template for making quicker decisions. The result is that I have more supportive, mutual friends and colleagues than at any other point in my life.

2. Share the lessons with others – when I see my family, friends or clients dealing with the same challenges I have, I pass along what I’ve learned. Every time I’m able to help someone else it diminishes the sting from my experience.

“Regrets, I have a few, then again, too few to mention”

                                                                                                       –     Frank Sinatra, “My Way”

Like Frank, I have a few regrets, and one particular regret about what I allowed to happen to me around 2010-2011 (described above). In 1969, when I was 25, halfway through my Ph.D. program in Clinical Psychology I was made aware of the exact information I could have used to protect myself.

At that time I came across a deceptively simple but remarkably effective therapeutic approach. This method of therapy bypassed Freudian reflections on your childhood, Jungian analysis of your dreams, or Albert Ellis’ shifting of your self-talk. The advice was simple and direct. Identify the “nurturing” people in your life and spend more time with them. Identify the “toxic” people you are engaged with and either block or diminish your contact with them. Clients who followed this approach made much more progress towards living a happier, healthier life than clients going to other types of therapy.

I knew this when I was 25. I told other people about it; I taught and wrote about it. Yet it wasn’t until 40 plus years later that I really discovered how profound and powerful a model it really is. I also hadn’t identified my particular “blind spots”; my (almost) fatal flaw that prevented me from following its wisdoms. Fortunately Tom Hopkins’ and Zelda’s advice allowed me to turn this regret about those lost years into a healthier kind of remorse.

Nurturing People

“Anna Karenina” is one of my favorite novels and movies (1948 version Vivien Leigh). Leo Tolstoy opens the story with these lines:

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

What Tolstoy tells us about “happy families” is similar to what we find with Nurturing People. If you and I compared our list of the qualities of a nurturing person I’m confident we would find many similarities. Of course there would be important differences because each of us has relationship priorities; certain traits will be more important and meaningful. So why am I about to share my “Nurturing” person list? My goal is to invite you to reflect on what is important to you in relationships with friends, family, or colleagues. What do you need? What are the minimums you expect?

Caveats: 

1. A “nurturing” person is not a Saint. They have important capabilities and values but they may also have some annoying habits.
2. A “nurturing” person is not that way 100% of the time. They don’t need to be perfect, but if they “show up” this way a good portion of the time and especially when you need them, that qualifies.

Core Qualities of a “Nurturing” Person (My list)

1. They are curious, and they listen – The need to be understood is deep for most of us. It’s easy for me to accept that someone disagrees with me. It’s hard for me to get past that they didn’t listen or understand.
2. Empathy – When someone goes beyond facts and connects with how I’m feeling I’m not alone. When I’m with an empathetic person I often feel “seen” and validated.
3. They are happy for me – This may seem a little unusual to add but my experience has been not all “friends” are able to share your joy and celebrate your achievements. (I warned you, this was my list!).
4. They admit mistakes and take responsibility for their actions – This gives me confidence that we can give each other candid feedback, resolve conflicts, and make repairs.
5. Trustworthy – I don’t think any explanation is needed for this one.
6. They reciprocate and want an equal relationship – Of course there are times when we need people more but with this type of person things don’t get too lopsided either way. Also you won’t hear, “What have you done for me lately?” They remember and are grateful for when you have been there for them.

Bonus Qualities

I’m not creating a Super Nurturing category but I did want to mention some qualities that make someone even more special to have in your circle.

1. Accuracy – There are some people who due to their knowledge and/or life experiences are often “right” in their insights or advice they give you. Of course often we only see this after we’ve ignored their guidance.
2. They make “Health” a top priority in their lives. As I write this two people come to mind: my wife Kelly Reineke, and my friend Lisa Feiner. They both have many healthy practices and regularly study and learn about staying healthy. Having people like this in your world will probably extend your life, directly or indirectly.
3. They know how to comfort you – What a gift to have someone like this in your life. They may know what to say or they may touch you in a way that creates calm and feeling safe. I’ve written before about one of the happiest times in my life; early 80’s on Hilton Head Island, using my poker winnings from wealthy real estate developers to fund projects with Native American tribes in rural South Carolina (with Save the Children) and partnering with the black Baptist church on the island to create recycling enterprises. Rev. Williams was the minister of the oldest church on Hilton Head and I would go to the Sunday morning services. After the sermon I would go up to get a hug from him. He was by far the best hugger I’ve ever met. When he hugged me I felt “all was right in the world.”

Reflections on “Nurturing” People

1. Who are the Nurturing people in your life?
2. Are you spending enough time with them?
3. Are you maintaining the relationship or letting it drift by taking it for granted?

Toxic People

It’s probably obvious by now, but since I’ve been accused of “stating the obvious” many times before, I’ll risk doing it again.

Who needs to most understand this next discussion of “toxic” people? Those of you who tend to be generous with your time, attention, and resources; those of you who tend to be fair, polite, and trusting.

It’s not possible to give a precise definition of a “toxic” person since we have probably all had the experience of noticing someone who is “toxic” for another person, having little impact on you and vice versa. However we can illuminate three categories of behaviors that will alert you to what to pay attention to.

1. People who waste your time, drain your energy, and divert your focus – We all have a finite amount of time, energy, and things we can focus on. At my stage in life, since I’m semi-retired and working a couple of hours a day, I actually could afford to have someone waste my time regularly (but I don’t). However, most of you reading this are quite busy; “crazy busy” is a phrase you hear quite a bit in Covid-era corporate culture. A constant topic is “burnout” and how to prevent it. So someone routinely wasting your time, draining your energy, and distracting you is not a trivial event. People do this in a variety of ways: conversations; emails; requests; poorly planned/badly facilitated/unnecessary meetings, etc.
2. People who “trigger” you – We all have a certain amount of anxiety, anger, and discouragement in our lives. Hopefully we recognize the signals these emotions are sending us and are able to make plans to improve our situation and not get stuck. There are some people who somehow are able to regularly trigger these emotions in us. Yes, ultimately we are in control of and responsible for how we react. I’m a strong believer in the self-talk, “No one can dictate how I will feel today”, “No one can push my buttons but me.” It’s still important to consider that our nervous systems are wired in a way that we are sensitive to the feelings of others; “emotions are contagious.” So people around you who are often anxious, “catastrophizing”, angry, frustrating to deal with, disrespectful, pessimistic, or try to undermine your confidence and self-esteem will still have an impact on your well-being.
3. People who put you “in harm’s way” – This is the most serious category and includes the following:
   • those who cause emotional, physical or financial abuse;
   • those who influence you to abuse alcohol or drugs; gamble or spend excessively or invest unwisely; or engage in self-harm activities;
   • those who wear you down through stress and weaken your immune system.

If any of these behaviors strike a chord with you it would probably be useful to research some helpful lists, e.g.:

• signs of emotional abuse
• characteristics of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Additional Warning Signs

Just as I did during the discussion of “Nurturing” people, I want to share the “red flags” that I strictly pay attention to; the behaviors that alert me that I may want to disengage.

1. Not admitting mistakes/unwilling to accept feedback – George Orwell once warned, “If you want to know who rules over you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.” I

take this defensiveness very seriously. Not only does it tell me this person is very unlikely to change, it helps me predict what is likely to come next in our relationship. Someone like this has now been “wounded” and they remember what inflicted the damage. Their ego/self-image needs pressure them to make you wrong; make you the bad person. Don’t be surprised if things between you sour and/or you begin receiving criticism or attacks.

2. A lopsided relationship – As I mentioned, in the ebb and flow of our lives someone may be more in need at certain times. However it’s useful to pay attention to patterns, to notice if your efforts are reciprocated and remembered. Are there any ways you are allowing or even reinforcing this lopsided pattern? After my experience 10 years ago this is something I have worked hard to avoid.
3. “Gaslighting” – This is a phrase that is now widely used. The origin is the 1944 movie, “Gaslight” starring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, and Joseph Cotton. It depicts a husband who ruthlessly and systematically undermines his wife’s confidence and even her grasp of reality. Again, on the web you will quickly find a list of “gaslighting” techniques including “rewriting history”, “accusing you of exactly what they are doing”, “stonewalling”, etc. The reason this is a “red alert” knockout factor for me is that if someone is willing to attempt this with me, 1). it’s probably a pattern and 2). they certainly have no concern for my well-being.

Goals and Strategies

The goals are straightforward:

• Learn to quickly identify the signs and signals of a “toxic” person; – Eliminate or reduce your contact with them; – Reduce their impact on you.

Some of the skills and strategies you will need:

• Self-Talk: “No one can dictate how I’m going to feel today”
• Saying No
• Setting and Maintaining Boundaries
• Having clear expectations of how you want to be treated
• Paying attention to what you allow or tolerate

“We train other people how to treat us”.

This saying emerged from co-dependency counseling. I’ve never encountered so much life wisdom in 8 words, and it’s probably the best way to capture the main message of “Nurturing versus Toxic people.”

Addendum

Thanks to many of you for sharing your responses to Nurturing People vs Toxic People. The most common question I got went something like this, “The remaining toxic people in my life are actually family members. I don’t want to sever the relationship but I see now that I do need to protect myself better, what do I do?”

This question reminded me of a sign I saw on a refrigerator door at a rental bungalow down on the Jersey shore.

“Friends welcome anytime. Family by appointment”

Besides the humor, there is some wisdom here. Let’s expand the suggestions from the previous article to focus on family members, who even if it’s unintentional, are hurting us in some way.

Saying NO vs Soft No’s

With other toxic people in your life you may want to issue a flat NO to send a strong, clear message. With family members you might want to deploy the option of a “Soft NO”. For example, let’s say your brother-in-law asks for a loan so that he can open a donut shop. If for whatever reason this is not something you want to do, a “Soft NO” might sound something like this: “Jerry, I’d like to help you start your own business if I can. I’m not going to lend you the money but I want to introduce you to a financial advisor who has a lot of experience helping people qualify for small business loans.”

“Warm Boundaries”

With family members who are disruptive in a variety of ways it is almost certain we need to establish and maintain boundaries around how often we connect with them and when, where, and even what subjects we discuss (with the current polarization about Trump, January 6, covid mandates, vaccines, etc. this probably has never been more important). A “warm” boundary might sound something like this, “Mom, when you call me at work I can’t give you my full attention. So here are the times I can talk this week. Which ones are best for you?”

Don’t Keep Giving Away Your Power

“Care about what others think and you will always be their prisoner”     – Lao Tzu

Much of the pain we experience with family members relates to receiving their criticisms, judgement and disapproval. Hearing over and over that we are not meeting their expectations. At some point we need to stop looking for something that is unlikely to come our way. Yes we need a certain level of approval, validation respect and love but it doesn’t have to come from specific people. When the evidence is clear, when people show you who they are, how they are likely to perceive you and treat you, STOP. Stop giving away your power. STOP putting your happiness and equanimity in their control. You can do this by being disciplined about reducing your expectations. That is within your control.

Of course if a family member is going beyond being judgmental and becomes abusive (yelling, cursing, name calling, threats) remove yourself from that setting.