Written by Marty Seldman, Ph.D.
During the past 15 years, advances in neuroscience have allowed researchers to detail the impact that a range of behaviors has on our brain and nervous system.
In particular scientists who focus on happiness and longevity (including Dr. Mark Hyman, “Young Forever”, Dr. Rick Hanson, “Hardwiring Happiness”) identify many simple activities that reduce our stress, and improve our well-being. These include slow, focused breathing, gratitude, exercise, self-compassion, being in nature, strong connections, mindfulness (being in the present), and certain supplements and foods.
One of the practices that has the strongest correlation with happiness is self-compassion/selfacceptance. Dr. Kristi Neff has studied the positive consequences of self-compassion for over 20 years (“Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.” Go to www.selfcompassion.org to take a self-compassion assessment).
Her results are fascinating, because while many people are concerned that self-acceptance could lead to complacency, her research team found the opposite. Individuals who practiced these techniques actually improved in goal setting, were motivated to change and became more ambitious.
Somehow over 70 years ago, Albert Ellis, Ph.D., without benefit of neuroscience, discovered this practical wisdom. Psychology Today once stated, “No individual, not even Freud himself, had a greater impact on modern psychotherapy.”
In my experience, Ellis’ most powerful technique, “Calm Self-Critique” captures the benefits of both learning to calm ourselves and to accept ourselves. We are all shaped uniquely by our experiences. For me, two events stand out in relation to this technique, and the way I teach it in my coaching and seminars.
If for some reason I was only able to pass along one thing to the people I cared about it would be this set of techniques. Why? Because CSC will optimize their happiness and willingness to attempt new challenges, and put them on a path to lifelong learning.
When we are upset, most of us know on some level, that we should “de-escalate” (calm down) before we impulsively communicate or take action. How much more valuable is this guidance when we are upset with ourselves because we made a mistake, failed at an endeavor, or didn’t live up to our values? The rest of the CSC techniques will help you even if you deploy them while you are upset, but they work better if you are relatively calm.
Over thousands of years the most effective ways developed to quickly reduce upset involve some form of slow, controlled, focused breathing. Scanning the internet you can learn about a variety of approaches (yoga breathing, Navy Seals breathing, etc.). The method I practice is the one I learned in the monastery, “The Frozen Rope.” (This is described in two of my books, “Executive Stamina”, and “A Woman’s Guide to Power, Presence and Protection”). I suggest you find one that works best for you and develop the skill of calming yourself. In addition to supporting CSC, regular practice of these tranquility exercises has been shown to:
“I accept that I am a fallible human being. I make mistakes, I have ‘blind spots’ about my impact, I don’t always measure up to my own standards. These events don’t surprise me and I keep my focus on “progress not perfection.”
“My ‘trend is not my destiny.’ I know I can learn and improve. Sometimes I need candid, specific feedback, or the guidance of a coach or mentor, or the opportunity to study an exemplar. I devote my time, energy and focus to learning and making positive changes.”
“Because I accept myself and I’m confident I can learn it’s easier for me to admit mistakes, and take responsibility for the impact of my actions (or what I neglected to do). When appropriate I make repairs or amends, and commit to a visible plan to change.”
“I refuse to call myself names or beat myself up or become a harsh critic. When I make mistakes, or fall short of my goals or standards, I calmly and quickly focus on: